A Modest Proposal
End of the World Fiesta
Fellow peers, I come to you with a humble proposition that addresses our planet’s current issue with global warming. Before instinctively rejecting my ideas, you’ll find a lot of sense in what I say, as my view on this crisis differs from the median.
I believe the public should view global warming as a sort of celebration. Our planet has lived longer then all of us ever will, and I believe it’s had a very fulfilling life. Now it’s telling us it’s time for it to pass on, so why drag out the funeral? We should throw a big fiesta as a celebration; leave off in one big bang, our last goodbye to our planet. So I propose that this upcoming New Year, January 1st 2009 is the start of a new year, the “End of the World” year.
I’ll repeat: we already know global warming is inevitably going to eat our planet up, so we’ll use this year as the catalyst. After all, we love our earth too much to let it suffer from a painful pro-longed death. So let the festivities begin! We’ll start off with light activities such as “Perfuming out Air” month. Generally, the smell of hairspray is a delightful one, so that can be used when walking down a street and an unpleasant smell is looming in the air. Hairspray emits beloved CFCs into our environment which have been with us since the 1800s being emitted from various machines slowly deteriorating the atmosphere. However, hopefully with “Perfume the Air” month we can get that done quickly and efficiently.
And what about this one day of the year where everyone can ride the bus for free? The bus is tedious. You ride on the bus with a bunch of strangers who could pickpocket you at any moment, you sit on a plastic bench that doesn’t fit your back quite right, and then get off a stop that could be 5 blocks away from your destination. Then you have to walk. Taking the bus as opposed to taking your car saves up to 20 pounds of carbon emissions a day, and we can’t take that risk. Instead of free public transportation day, let’s create “Own the Road” springtime fiesta (Febuary-May). People deserve the luxury of their cars. When I mean car I don’t mean the tiny Prius. I mean go out there and buy yourself and/or your family a Hummer. Do not buy one of those cars that partly run on electricity, they’ve put too much time and effort into those cars for sake of preserving the ozone layer. They should be smart enough to know that global warming is happening anyways, so please don’t give them credit. Instead, have the luxury of a Hummer, or maybe a SUV one of the vehicles that contribute most to global warming, and own the road and own your right to celebrate the End of the World.
Summer will be coming up, and it’s time to hit the beach. Where could we find a place where people from all countries can come celebrate End of the World year? A BBQ on a giant beach sounds nice, but currently no such beach exists. Well, we’re in luck. Temperatures in the Artic are increasing twice as much as anywhere on the planet. We’ve accomplished so much already; who will forget that historic moment where the largest block of ice in the Artic, Ward Hunt Ice Shelf, which had been around for 3,000 years finally cracked in 2000! With time, it’s breaking into tiny little pieces. Even better, once the Artic is melted our earth will absorb more sunlight and be even hotter, and you know what that means. So here is what I propose; make a big beach there. The polar bears will almost all be gone by 2050, so why not move them to Africa. We can dump some sand down there and the water will be nice for making sand castles. Everyone will be required to bring their own trash bag that we can dump in the ocean and watch it all sink away. And if this proposal is set into action, Sarah Palin has agreed to be an honorary guest at this blessed event. We’ll end the fiesta with a bang by dropped a can of gasoline with a lit match from Palin’s helicopter. Asta la vista ice, it’s only sunshine from now on.
Winter will be a time of reflection. What this world has meant to us overall, what a mystery it all is. All good things must come to an end. Trying to stall what inevitably will come is frivolous, dragging it out to the end by taking one second to throw away your garbage, taking a minute to watch the news story on TV about the polar ice caps growing thinner day by day, taking a day in your life to care about all the ecosystems that are dying because of us, and taking a week to do some work in community service to clean up this filthy planet we’ve left dirty for years. To look back on how we’ve abandoned this planet that has been our home, and without it, we would virtually not be alive. Well this is what I say: we’re all going to die anyways, so it’s a lost cause. Let’s stop wasting our time, our days, our lives in this planet. Give up. All we have to do is wait, so why not wait in celebration?
I believe it’s for the best, and I think most of you would agree! Unfortunately, I will not be in charge of things as I’m moving to Singapore. Hope it all goes well.