I close my eyes, trying to block out the sunlight pouring in through the small, dismal window of my bedroom. Tugging at my blankets, trying to pull them over my face, I want to block out every inch of the world that I can. Darkness, that’s all I want to see, all I feel inside. I can hear the sound of my mother, pottering about downstairs. I wait for her to come up to me, to call my name and tell me to get up, that it’s a beautiful day outside and would be absurd to waste it moping around the house all day.
But I guess she’s given up trying to get through to me now. She knows that I will refuse to acknowledge her. What’s the point of getting up when you have nothing good in your life to get up for – or no-one special in your life to get up to? To share beautiful days like today. We had our whole lives ahead of us. Our whole future planned out together as one. Both of us, so hungry for life… these hopes and dreams are now nothing but distant memories.
My aim of trying to block the overwhelming power of the sun’s rays has proved to be unsuccessful. It’s as if the sun is urging me to get up, to make the most of myself. Grudgingly, I pull back the covers from over my head. The intense brightness of the morning sky wakes me up, as if a sudden bolt of electricity has shot through my body. I clamber out of bed, making my way to the window. I can hear the birds in the trees, singing for all their little hearts are worth. It’s as if the whole world has forgotten, they have moved on, leaving me stuck dwelling in the past. Abruptly, I realise how hot and stuffy my room is. As I reach out and open my window, I am overcome by the cool freshness of the air. This is the first time I have felt air like this on my skin for weeks.
I look out over the horizon, my eyes exploring every detail of my surroundings. It is a brilliant autumn morning, blue skies that seem to go on forever, and the freshness of the air is almost as crisp as the autumn leaves I can see frolicking around the pavements, waiting for a certain someone to come along and crunch them. Then a certain person comes to my mind. I aggressively pull my curtains shut, again trying to block out the outside world. An overwhelming sense of guilt overcomes me. I don’t know why I punish myself for thinking happy thoughts. Yes I do. It’s my way of coping with my loss. I realise what a selfish cow I sound like, but can anyone blame me for feeling like this? All my friends have seemed to forget about me. They have given up on coming round to see me.
I shut my eyes and try to remember the old times. When he was still here. But
flashbacks keep flooding into my head. Of the last time I ever saw him
No one knows what it was like for me. No one knows what I saw, the pain I went through, the torture I had to endure. No one knows how much I torment myself with “ifs” and “buts” and “maybes”. A part of me blames myself for what happened. Deep down I know I shouldn’t, that really it isn’t my fault.
Our evening had been such a happy one. It should have been one of the happiest days of my life. Of our life. But his life was cruelly stolen away from him, by that scum. I was so happy when he had proposed to me. He had gone about it all formal as well, getting down on one knee, making a big scene and making me feel like I was a Princess – well that’s what I was: his Princess, until my Prince was taken away from me. I had tears in my eyes when he pulled the ring out, and slipped it onto my wedding finger. Quite similar to the ones I can feel building up now. Except those were tears of joy. These ones I shed now are tears of sorrow and anger.
Of course I said yes to him. There was nothing I wanted most than to spend the rest of my life with him. I knew our parents would object. They would try and talk us out of it. “Nineteen is too young to be getting married”, they’d say. “You’ve got your whole lives ahead of you”. But what’s the point of having your whole life ahead of you without sharing it with the person you love?
After we had finished our meal, we went for a walk. It was a warm summers evening, the sun setting on the horizon, forming a pink shimmer across the sky. I can remember it as though it were yesterday. Much of what happened that night is all a blur to me. I can remember a guy approaching us from behind, then pull out a gun. he wanted money and any jewellery we had on – including my ring. We were reluctant to give this man any of our belongings, but we could both see the aggression in this man’s eyes. As he roughly grabbed at what he could get, his eyes got glimpse of my ring.
My eyes started to swell with tears as he snatched at it. Rage filled my just turned fiancï¿½ and he grabbed for the gun. The stranger was too quick for him though, shot him in the chest and fled with our belongings. I will never forget that moment for as long as I live. The gun-shot ringing through my ears. The pain I could see in his eyes as I held him in my arms. That is where he passed away. In my arms. I can remember hearing a distant sound of an ambulance coming to tend to us. But it was too late. He was already gone. People were crowding around us, some trying to comfort the hysterical state that I was in. others just looking on in wonder, in disbelief. These moments will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I open my now tear stained eyes. I can taste the salt from where I have been crying. A wet patch has formed on my pillow from where my tears have fell. I glance around my room, and catch a sudden glimpse of myself in a mirror. I gasp in horror. I see a thin, pale, ill looking person staring back at me. Is that really me? I ask myself. Then it hits me. Everything seems so clear now. I cannot go on like this. I have to make the most of life. This has given me n insight to how short life really is. I must make the most of mine. I used to be such a happy, outgoing person. I am never going to get over this trauma if I keep re-living it up here alone in my room. My friends haven’t deserted me. They’ve tried their best to be there for me and I’ve just thrown it all back in their faces.
They don’t know how to deal with this situation but they tried damn hard. I look out of my window and think back to what my mum would say about making the most of this fine weather. I get out of bed, but this time because I want to, not because I have to. And it feels good. I grab a pair of jeans and a sweater, and pull them on. I’m going to go out and face the world. Because I can. I’m still alive to do so. Dressed ready to face the feisty autumn weather, I make my way downstairs to the front door. I glance at my mother. She looks rather surprised to see me up, but when she sees I have noticed her she turns the other way. I can understand why though. I see a picture of Darren and I. We looked so happy together. But I must carry on with my life. Look towards the future.
I’ll never forget you Darren. You were such a big part of my life. When you died a part of me died inside too. But I must move on. I will start again now though. A new life. A new meaning to it. So goodbye to my old life. it is finished now. Done with. And goodbye to you too Darren. You will always be in my heart and I will never forget you.