From what I know, which is not a lot, John Donne is a metaphysical poet who reigned in the 16th century. Metaphysical poetry is, so-defined-in-my-notes, the study of abstract and immaterial things; which is something I find quite so pointless. Like the people in that era have so much time to explore such stuff with such detail. Like they got nothing better to do. Basically, these people are real losers, especially Mr. Donne. He is such a prick and he sucks in innumerable ways. I dislike him to bits!

Firstly, his parents suck for bringing him into this world. I mean. What were they thinking? Did they hate society so much that they decided to have a kid and punish us all through his works? I mean. Do we really deserve all this? I’m not saying that they can’t enjoy their love-making, but at the expense of all of mankind? That’s awfully selfish of them. I mean. I know there wasn’t birth control, but they could use the classic rhythm method, no? Oh well, no use crying over spilt milk now.

Anyway, his life seems so drama mama, it’s almost not real. Like what Roman Catholic family would be in the right mind to send their son to study in Oxford and Cambridge? And what’s with the protestant thing? And why did he make his wife suffer through twelve labours? Twelve times excruciating pain! Like no wonder she died. And in between all these, how in hell did he find time to write all those freaking poems? Fuhgeddaboudit.

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Well, the real stuff now. I dunno. To begin with, his language sucks. Yea, I know, the people in that century didn’t talk like we talk. But still. His sentence structure is totally out of sync. I mean. What’s with things like “in this flea, our two bloods mingled be” and “these hairs which upward grew”. Couldn’t he just put it “our bloods are combined in this flea” and “these hairs grew upwards” or something like it is? I’m telling you, even the people of his time found his writings baffling.

His use of terms is a heady brew; i.e. the so-called conceit, which is an unusually far-fetched or elaborate metaphor or simile presenting a surprising apt parallel between two dissimilar things or feelings. Like the way he exaggerates the use of tears in A Valediction: of Weeping: “till thy tears mixed with mine do overflow this world”. Like the women in those days are stupid enough to fall for his trap. He’s enjoying himself playing around with words, while we are wrenching our guts out trying to figure out what he means.

I simply hate it when he speaks in riddles. You know. I think it’s called paradoxes. He says things like “three sins in killing three”, “death thou shall die”, “a sun, by rising, set” and “when thou hast done, thou hast not done”. I mean. How is there three sins in killing three people’s blood? And how can death die? And how can the sun set because it rose? And can he just make up his mind about being done? Utterly illogical. I mean. People get irritated when someone comes across indirect. We’d prefer people who are honest and frank. Like right now I am being absolutely straightforward in criticizing Mr. John Donne. And he is worthy.

Oh yeah, there’s also his wit. Or his pitiable attempt at doing so. Trying too hard to persuade a woman to go to bed with him, i.e. in Elegy 2: To His Mistress Going to Bed, just ain’t cool man. He seems more demanding than anything else. And I doubt wholly that he meant anything he said about loving her, or that “she’is all states”. I mean. He’s a guy; his only aim is to get her laid. If he’s so desperate for sex he could just go f**k himself for all I care. No no. Not that I’m sympathizing with those unfortunate young girls. In fact, they are a disgrace to us females by succumbing to his words.

And exactly what’s up with the sun? The many references to it in his poems. Is it like an excuse to yell at something early in the morning? Like “Busy old fool, unruly sun”. I mean. Doesn’t he know how to use curtains? Why blame the sun? And on a higher level, you know how he puns “sun” with Jesus, the Son of God? Does it mean that he is indirectly rebuking Jesus? That is just too uncalled for. So I’m glad the sun chides on him. He also has this weird fetish for spheres eh? He says “man’s soul be a sphere”, then says “these walls, thy sphere”. So which is the right definition of “sphere” then? How irritating.

His guilty conscience towards God is also getting to me. It’s like he’s trying to suck up to God so that when he sins he can get away with it. Yeah, I know God is merciful and will forgive us all our sins, but he’s just taking advantage of that you know. Like he’s probably grinning behind all that remorse. That’s not all. Threatening the women is bad enough, but look at how he talks to God with so little respect. Things like “if Thou car’st not whom I love, Alas, Thou lov’st not me”. He directly accuses God for not loving him. I mean. Don’t test God’s grace you know what I’m saying?

And what’s with that separation crap? Again, can’t he be more decisive? It’s like “Go” and “break off this last lamenting kiss”. I mean. I don’t think it’s his lover who cannot leave. It’s probably him who doesn’t want to let go. I mean. Quit being a stubborn brat and accept your fate. He really has issues.

Actually, why am I wasting my bloody time condemning John Donne? It’s like I couldn’t be using my time more practically. Yeah I really cannot believe myself man. I mean. That Donne guy is probably cracking up in his grave knowing there are people like me honouring him up to now. And knowing that his works still bewilder us after so many decades. Yuck. Can’t believe I just said that. It’s sick, okay. And I can ramble on about him forever so I better stop stat. ‘Nuff said. Anyhow, John Donne sucks. Period.


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